Insecurities new and old

Adults are not allowed to be insecure right? Insecurities are something you grow out of and leave behind right? You move out on your own, and gain self-confidence. This makes all right with the world, but does it really? How often do we slip back into our old roles when we walk through the doors of our parents’ home?

For me the insecurities are closer to the surface, and rear their ugly head every time I talk to them. Even with the miles that separate them and myself, I feel the need to triple check myself, so that I look presentable, do my best to not stutter in conversation, and try to sound like I know what I am talking about. As the youngest, I feel like I have a handicap, in communicating. It seems like everything I learn they will see as trivial, since they already learned it, or have no desire to learn it. My entire schooling journey is one area in particular. I know they have no desire to hear about what I am learning.

Recently, I had the mother of all stresses. They were all in one place without me, and we all talked in a group. Holy Bobsled team of Zimbabwe! I was sweating more than when I took my first college final, my hands were beyond clammy, and I my heart was beating an uneven tattoo against my ribs. The conversation went about as well as expected, and I was struck with the feelings reminiscent of the last time we were all in the same place. I was on my best behavior, my mummy was doing her best to understand what was going on, and my middle brother was not talkative, and off in his own corner. My eldest brother who was hosting was comfortable in his own home with his wife and dog.

This encounter forced me do some internalization, and here is what I came up with:

I was deathly afraid of my family invalidating my maturity as a woman

They would still see me as the small girl they left behind

I would not have their approval

As I came to these conclusions, I realized one rather important fact I had neglected. I had Christ’s approval. I am safe in the hand of the Almighty God, and I had His approval. Therefore, I did not need theirs. All across the Gospels people are called to leave everything, including their families behind. Would I be happier if they shared my faith? Yes, but I do not need their validation to be a strong Christian who is learning and growing. In fact, their unbelief is a constant source of prayer in my daily life. I know I still have a long way to grow and in the wise words of Dr. M. Orr “I do this not perfectly, but progressively.”

The moral of the story is simple. I have Christ’s seal of approval, and I do not need anyone else’s.

Galatians 1.10 (English Standard Version)

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God?

Or am I trying to please man?

If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Mistakes that remake

How many times have we made a mistake and said, “never again!”. We shake our fists, grit our teeth, and do our best to avoid that problem. The one thing we do want to do is look at the original cause to it. We like to think of our lives as television episode, like Seinfield. Or our lives are like movies, really big issues that are smoothed out in a couple of hours. Yet, the painful aspects rarely go away in two hours, nor do we want to do some introspection on a massive scale. I for one tend to be afraid of what I will find. But merely dancing through life didn’t even work for Fiero in Wicked, and such ideas will not work in real life either.

Well for me, I continued to avoid the root of problems for nearly two years now, and it has once again reared its ugly head and very nearly ate me alive.  When you are far from home, it is easier to live in the beautiful here and now. Yet, it allows that one area you don’t want to deal with fall in the cracks. Then all at once, the cracks allow for the problem to resurface and overcome you like a tidal wave, drowning you, yet again, in the regret, humiliation, and hopelessness of the situation with which you are presented.

How do you keep your head above the wave? How do you live beyond? Run away? Move away? Or is it time to take a look at yourself, and ask the couple of questions you have been avoided like the plague.

Why do I keep returning here, even though  hate being here?

What do I do to get out and never return?

The ultimate answer to the second question is Christ. Your choices are your own, but all Christ is looking for is one tiny step towards him, and he can carry you when you cannot walk. In the words of Firefly,”When you can’t run, you crawl. And when you can’t crawl, when you can’t do that, you find someone to carry you.” Christ can carry you.

The poem below did a fantastic job of communicating the sentiment.

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,

other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed

that during the low periods of my life,

when I was suffering from

anguish, sorrow or defeat,

I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you,

you would walk with me always.

But I have noticed that during

the most trying periods of my life

there have only been one

set of footprints in the sand.

Why, when I needed you most,

you have not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,

“The times when you have

seen only one set of footprints,

is when I carried you.”

Mary Stevenson

Copyright © 1984 Mary Stevenson, from original 1936 text, All rights reserved

I thought I was done with this

There comes a time when we are faced

With old wounds

The ones you thought were healed

But salt does not effect a healed place

And this pain alone proves this is still raw.

Thus, you are faced with the question:

Will I ever be done pain?

As I go about life, situations have been culminating for months now. These situations are of the unfortunate variety, and not at all pleasant. One is in regards to my future, what do I plan on doing for the next five years, and how will others’ choices affect my choices. The upcoming summer is set to be filled with love, joy, and the military. Amazing how choices are much simpler when we are only talking about them. Yet when talking becomes a reality, when application is due and the test is set. Then the tears begin to fall, and a call to mummy is necessary.

Both of my brothers joined the military when they turned of legal age, and they are three and five years older than myself.  Thus, my junior high and high school years were filled with trips to the coasts, for all sorts of things, graduations, deployment leave, and tearful homecomings. Since my brothers and I were very close despite our age difference, I felt this loss acutely. The tender years of adolescence were spent in bitter loneliness.

Both came back from  various assignments, in one piece physically, but emotionally scarred beyond recognition.  They now had lives of their own, lives I was not privileged to be involved beyond short visits, and Facebook. Now, I have my own life and the pain of their leaving has been healed to an extent. The fear remains however. Now, my future spouse is testing to enter the service. The branch is different, the duties would be different, yet the fear refuses to budge.  I have duties where I am currently, that will take years.  His schooling will take years, and we will be living apart most likely after the wedding. I always knew that my marriage would not be conventional, this is every bit as painful and I knew it could be. My mummy and future spouse, are half a continent away. However, they are an hour away from each other. In fact, they spent time together just yesterday.  I know he wanted to keep me from pain, but ripping a bandage off a wound can be essential to the healing process. The bandage is certainly off, and I have air to breathe again, and a new support net to catch me with all the tears.

Yet how does one person handle all this when they are still trying to understand their past? The answer is simple. Christ. I have no idea how this will all work out, yet in it all I can trust the one who created me, and has a plan for my life. The road we will travel down as a couple will be long and arduous, yet it is worth it. God does not call His children to the logical, or the easy. We are called to follow and be the physical manifestation of Himself.  Thus, I will work with God as He makes me more like Himself.

The journey begins with a step

“But the secret is not to let that

one step back turn into a failure.

Learn from backward steps.”

-Catherine Pulsifer  Life Steps

As we go through life, we are constantly on our way. Either going to one place or to another. Yet, we must remember that as we walk, drive, or run to the next thing, we are traveling away from our past. We take the next step, and realize that these steps are always away from something or someone. Every step has a direction in some form. It could be unintentional, or a long-awaited step in what we think is the right direction.

As I take these steps, sometimes I become paralyzed wondering if what I am doing is the right thing, and hopefully I am not the only one. Yet in the wise words of my mother, “by not choosing or taking the next step, you are making a decision.”  The more I read the Bible for myself, the more I see God’s heart and where His mission to His children lay. His directive is people.  As I look at my future, it is inexplicably intertwined with that of  others. my best friend said, “I don’t think God cares so much what I am doing as He does who I am doing it next to. People will always be my mission.” Armed with this knowledge, we can walk in bold confidence of our choices. The same God who knit us together in our mothers’ wombs, placed desires in our hearts, and natural abilities to bring glory to our gracious Father. God wants His children to share His heart toward people. If reaching people is the goal, then we can be free to pursue degrees and careers in every sector of both the secular world, and the ministry realm.

As I go through the dailies of life, I am tempted to forget all this. Besides, what does this have to do with my humdrum life? Recently however, I have realized that the question is not importance, but it is perspective. If I view the best path for my life as some mysterious map surrounded by a dense fog, just out of reach, then why would I desire to spend time, energy, and give my heart to the one who withholds an important piece of my life? I would not in any way shape or form desire to do so. If I see God as a loving Father who has given me the world to explore, and people to love, my gifts to use for His glory. Then life holds a whole new dimension of joy.  Then the first step, no longer becomes a terror or a nightmare, filled with the ‘what-ifs’ of choosing poorly, but an exciting adventure filled with possibilities.

Mind you, that does not mean I was not terrified as I boarded the plane to the most recent chapter of my life. I hugged my best friend and mother good bye, and walked away, knowing that when I saw them again for Christmas we would all be entirely different. Life as I knew it would be over, and yet that chapter had been closing slowly but surely for some time now.  Amid the day of flying, frayed nerves, and rather close encounters to tears, I was praying. They were quite unimpressive, but it was the nerves and uncertainty that God used to cultivate a reliance on Him, from day one. God has been very kind as He shows me areas of growth, and places of hurt He wants to heal. As I continue this journey, I plan to explore what God is teaching me.

Here’s to each step of the journey of life!